Posts Tagged ‘Satire’

Let’s “teach the contoversy” of Dubya’s homosexuality.

April 2, 2010

As the Texas School board is so intent on teaching (manufactured) controversies, I think we should teach the controversy that George W. Bush is a homosexual, which would thus nullify any and all restrictions on gay marriage, adoption rights, ordination, or military service.

Let’s start by revising history and social studies textbooks to add “liberal balance” to otherwise conservatively-skewed, conservatively-biased texts that suggest that George W. Bush is a heterosexual. After all, George W. Bush’s heterosexuality is only a theory, not a fact.

It’s not that I’m attempting to re-write history to support a liberal agenda. It’s just that I’m offering a “less traditional” point of view. The only reason that George W. Bush’s heterosexuality is accepted by mainstream America as “fact” is that this belief is spread by right-wing media and conservative college professors, who have conspired together to perpetuate this unproven theory.

These intellectually elitist conservative professors only hesitate to address this alternative point of view because they’re scared of the controversy; they don’t want to admit that they could be wrong! This is the same reason why they won’t directly respond to people who hold this different point of view.

They say that the believe in democratic ideals and free speech. They say that they want students to think critically about what they’re being taught in school. Yet, the fact that they won’t directly engage me in a debate over this issue is clear evidence that the “gay Dubya” theory threatens their authoritarian grasp on history.

After all, George W. Bush was a cheerleader in high school
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And George W. Bush was photographed kissing another man.

And another time another man was seen photographed Zipping up George W. Bush’s fly.

Surely this can’t be in anyway a misrepresentation of facts!

Plus, I’ve seen the movie Brokeback Mountain, which is about gay cowboys from Texas. Or so I like to think. George W. Bush is also a cowboy from Texas! Some say that Brokeback Mountain is a work of fiction, but there are a lot of people who think that it’s the truth! Shouldn’t we give fair representation to their side of the story? Don’t they and their opinions deserve an equal audience?

Conservatives have yet to produce George W. Bush’s marriage certificate, on which he would clearly have stated his sexual orientation. I am proud to be labeled a “Marriager” and I will continue to ask “Where’s the Certificate?” until he produces it. The fact that both Texas and the Unites States refuse to give me (or publish) a photocopy of George W. Bush’s marriage certificate without question or restriction must mean that they have something to hide!

Yes, historical evidence doesn’t support the idea that George W. Bush is a homosexual. But conservatives can’t offer any definitive evidence that kissing men and having men zip up your fly isn’t gay. If they’re so smart, they should be able to come right out and wow everybody with irrefutable evidence that George W. Bush isn’t gay.

The fact that they haven’t must mean that they’re either not as smart as they claim to be, or that they are running from this debate!

I know that I am not an authority on George W. Bush, nor have I made any particular effort to research him. And despite what many experts say, I still have a strong feeling that he Dubya might be gay. If feelings can guide the Texas school board’s historical revisionism, they can guide mine too!

As the Texas School Board has shown, if your historical and scientific fact do not show your opinions in a positive light, the only logical step is to rewrite history and science while ignoring and marginalizing contradictory facts. It’s a hell of a lot easier and more uplifting than critically examining ones own beliefs.

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