Santa Claus is the Antichrist

November 19, 2008

santa-evil1Christian theology suggests that the Antichrist will be able to work counterfeit miracles, will oppose Christ,  and substitute himself in Christ’s place. The Antichrist is here, and his name is Santa Claus.

Yes, you read that correctly. I believe that Santa Claus is the Antichrist. Santa Claus already has a well-established following that opposes and acts as a substitute for Christianity. In fact, Santa Claus overshadows Jesus in every possible way, and on his birthday no less.

Santa Claus is the center of the media’s attention in the Christmas season because, by comparison, programming about Jesus isn’t captivating. Yes, the nativity is sweet, but the plot is rather rigid and the theme doesn’t inspire spinoffs. Likewise, the nativity is devoid of opportunities for catchy jingles, special effects, pop culture relevance, or tie-in marketing.

Santa Claus inspires people to celebrate the birthday of a man who eschewed materialism by splurging on gifts. But because Santa loves giving people large, expensive gifts that look great under a Christmas Tree and are exciting to unwrap, everybody else should too. Not that they can’t buy large, expensive gifts that are too big to fit under the Christmas Tree, of course.

It’s easy to see how Santa Claus has been positioned as the new God. He’s a larger-than-life, jolly man with superhuman powers who lives in a magical realm. With the help of his reindeer and elfin friends, he makes and distributes toys to all the well-behaved children in the world, and he punishes badly-behaved ones only with a lump of coal.

By contrast, while Jesus is the Son of God and the Savior of Man, his strongest public image is as a man being tortured to death.

Santa Claus is the perfect Antichrist, really. It’s almost universally unpopular to hate him and he encourages people to behave in ways that make them forget or ignore Jesus’ teachings.

Ironically, Santa Claus wouldn’t have such a strong opposing influence if Christ’s most dedicated followers would stop decrying, harassing, and boycotting stores that replace the word “Christmas” with secularly accessibly terms like “holiday”.

But it’s probably too late now anyway. The War on Christmas has been won, and the victor is Santa Claus and his corporate minions.

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The True Enemy in the War on Christmas

November 19, 2008

Conservatives’ fervid screeds about the alleged “War on Christmas” have become an annual holiday Christmas tradition. They feel that Christmas is under secularist attack from stores that replace references to “Christmas” with more universal “Holiday” terminology.

Even though Christmas is only one of the Holy Days celebrated by Christians, Jews, and Muslims in December, ‘war on Christmas’ conservatives feel that only Christians deserve good cheer. Thus, they boycott and harass any store that attempts sensitivity towards non-Christians during the “season to be Jolly”.

In their renegade crusade against secularism, “War on Christmas” conservatives have lost sight of Christmas’ true enemy: commercialism. If the stores are to blame for killing christmas, it’s not for their generic celebrations, it’s for their pre-emptive celebration.

What originated as a celebration of the birth of the Messiah has now mutated into an ugly, horrific shopping frenzy. Yes, Jesus received gifts on Christmas, but he received them because it was his birthday. Christmas is the only situation in which it’s socially acceptable to shower somebody with gifts on somebody else’s birthday.

The ‘celebration’ of Christmas has become an epidemic plague. It sets in every November 1st, when stores replace their Halloween decorations and merchandise with those for Christmas. It doesn’t matter that there’s another unmarketable Holiday in between, Macy’s has that angle covered. They use their annual Thanksgiving Parade as an opportunity to canvas the media with images of their commercial mascot balloons and christmas-themed pageantry. In fact, a cursory glance at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade online store while reveal that every item is a Christmas Collectible.

This aggressive marketing pays off in the form of Black Friday, the day in which hordes of thriftless shoppers are inspired to storm the stores like zombies to a teriaki-covered quadraplegic. This crazed mob results in bitter disputes over merchandise, parking spots, and serves as a wonderful reminder that this is just what Jesus would have wanted us to do on his birthday.
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This rampant commercialism is the harbinger of death for the True Spirit of Christmas. Instead of 12 Days of Christmas, we now effectively have 55. These 55 days of Christmas have now caused society to fee undue stress when tradition calls us to feel Jolly.

Joe Lieberman, The Shameless Opportunist

November 19, 2008

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In one horrendous display of masochistic spinelessness, the Democratic Party has single-handedly destroyed whatever dignity it earned through it’s recent electoral victories. Their specific mistake: rewarding Joe Lieberman’s shameless apostasy by allowing him to retain his undeserved chairmanship of the Senate’s Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee.

Joe Lieberman’s Faginesque opportunism first manifested itself in 2006 when, after being disowned by Connecticut’s Democrats, he served his own interests over theirs by campaigning as an Independent with the endorsement, financial support, and votes of Republicans.

Having failed to secure his future as a Democrat, Joe Lieberman crossed party lines and looked to the Republican Party for career advancement. Even though he endorsed and tireless campaigned for John McCain, Joe Lieberman failed to brown nose his way onto the Republican Presidential Ticket.

John McCain wanted to name Joe Lieberman as his running mate, but was dissuaded by influential Republicans who objected to Joe Lieberman’s posturing on abortion and gay rights issues.

Despite his failed attempts to run as the vice-presidential candidate for both the Democratic and Republican parties, Joe Lieberman’s mercenary loyalty remains unpunished simply because Joe Lieberman tacitly threatened to withdraw his support for the Democrats. Again. Specifically, Joe Lieberman suggested that losing the chairmanship of the homeland security panel would “be unacceptable to him”.

This veiled threat provoked Democrats’ fears that stripping Joe Lieberman of his chairmanships and expelling him from the Democratic caucus would inspire him to align himself with the Republicans. Again. Without Joe Lieberman’s support, the Democrats do not have the filibuster-proof majority needed in the Senate.

In a specious display of convenient rhetoric, Joe Lieberman referred to the Democratic caucus as “a roomful of friends”, apologized for the statements he made about Barack Obama in the ‘heat of a campaign’, and suggested that “it’s time to move on”.

Well, that settles it then. At least, until he’s up for re-election in 2012

Rob Zombie: An Unorthodox Champion of American Values

November 18, 2008

Most people know Rob Zombie as a rock star, film director, and horror enthusiast. He has had a profound effect on American culture, both among the Evangelicals whom he makes nervous, and among the counter-culture, whom he inspires. Yet, his public image aside, Rob Zombie is a champion of of American Values.

Rob Zombie, born Robert Cummings Jr, was born to middle-class parents who, after years working in carnivals, settled down to raise Rob and his brother in the small, suburban town of Haverhill, Massachusetts. The boredom that Rob Zombie endured there pushed him to find escape through countless hours of television, through which he developed his fascination with horror movies.

Not satisfied with being simply a fan, Rob Zombie relentlessly dedicated himself to being part of the culture that he loved so much. Despite unfruitful tenures at New York City’s Parsons the New School for Design and Pratt Institute, Rob Zombie nonetheless broke into the entertainment industry as a bike messenger for Pee Wee’s Playhouse, during which he founded White Zombie, the horror-themed alternative metal band that would eventually go Platinum.

When asked during an interview with HollywoodJesus.com if he had a message for his fans, Rob Zombie replied:

Do what you want with your life and don’t listen to anyone. The people around you always try and stop you because they are afraid that you will succeed.

Despite his unorthodox public persona, Rob Zombie’s personal life is surprisingly orthodox. An avowed “ethical vegetarian” since seeing a slaughterhouse film in high school, Rob Zombie has also avoided drug and alcohol abuse. As he puts it, “I certainly didn’t achieve anything by being wasted and f*cked up.” Similarly, his albums (although often laced with graphic imagery) are, with a handful of exceptions, devoid of profanity.

While Rob Zombie has his own strong opinions, he also shies away from imposing them on others. By his own admission, Rob Zombie believes that

“It is best to not discuss Religion or Politics. It always ends in broken noses…because it upsets people to question their faith in things be it Jesus or George Bush. It’s easier to just get angry.”

Rob Zombie’s non-imposing activism was evidenced in a 2007 Thanksgiving message that he recorded for PETA’s holiday hotline in which he praised turkeys, decried Butterball’s slaughterhouse treatment of them, and urged supporters to call Butterball and tell them to stop the torture of “these gentle, smart, and social birds”

In a similarly-minded display of activism, Rob Zombie also encouraged his myspace fans to participate in the electoral process in a non-partisan November 3rd, 2008 blog post:

‘I’m not telling you how to vote. That is up to you. I just thought it would be interesting to hear how you all feel about things. But be smart if you comment. Don’t just start calling each other names. It’s America, so if you really believe in it, then everybody should be heard.”

Rob Zombie is married to Sherri Moon Zombie, his companion of nearly 20 years, and although they have no children, they still espouse traditional, middle-class family values. They welcome trick-or-treaters to their house on Halloween, and they have even toned down their Halloween decor after discovering that it frightened them away.

In Rob Zombie, we have a cultural icon who is a positive American Role Model. In the founding spirit of democracy, he affirms his own beliefs while respecting those of others. He abstains from drug and alcohol abuse while embracing traditional, monogamous relationships. And lastly, Rob Zombie shows us how the power of ambition can help us achieve our dreams, no matter how bizarre they are.